It Hurts Some Bad

Shalom:
Tonight is the second evening that Mark has taken the laundry over to his parents. They have offered the use of their washer and dryer, which helps saves a little money.
It's also good for him to get out of the the house. To spend some time with his father. And it gives me some time to do some writing.
Last night when Mark came home, we got into a fuss. It was silly really. But a major piece of healing occur for us.
Mark often has periods of what I call Black Holes. That he couldn't tell you where he was or what he did two or three hours ago. It was hard for him to face up to that truth. It was frighting. He felt better when he finally faced it.
Later, as I held him in bed, feeling him fall asleep in my arms, I could feel the hurt inside.
I know that hurt. It hurts so bad that it doesn't even have words. You don't feel anyone hears you. Understands you.
I know how he feels. I am so busy caring for Mark, I feel alone. No one hears me. No one understands what I am going through. Or cares.

I know in my head that isn't true, but my heart is another matter.
Now, when I knon Mark is sleep, I get up and pray. I pour out all the emotions onto G_D, because right now my emotions overwhelem Mark.
Then when I finish praying, I head off to bed and sleep.

A New Beginning

Boker Tov:
So it is a new morning. A new day.
With learning that my depression is PTSD, brought on by caring for my Veteran husband, I actually feel much better. Not only knowing what is wrong with me and that there is help.
The Military family no matter the branch one serves, is called upon to do more, give more than in any time in our history.
We have been at war for over ten years. Children are growing up seeing mom or dad on a Web Cam than around the supper table. More husbands and wives talk more on the phone half a world apart than face to face. And many couples, like Mark and I are courting through e-mail than over a cup of StarBucks.
We can now point our loved ones on Fox or CNN News when the war is covered. We turn on the telly and there is a burning army tank and we begin to pray that all soldiers got out safe and that our loved one wasn't there.
And while there are more resources for the support members of the family, we feel more alone than ever.
While not every Veteran or his family member suffer from PTSD, many do and finally there is help for the spouse, children and even the parents of our Veterans.
That includes me.
So it is a new day for Mark and I. For me.
I awoke this morning, thanked G_D for returning my soul and then set about to take charge of this Dark Shadow and make it work for me.
1. I need to set a time to get up and stay up. Since December it has been a struggle to get up in the morning. Since I started taking Zofio, things are better. And with the addition of Monti, this means a little being that needs to be watered, walked, fed and groomed. Which means I have to get up and take care of my daily needs. Like I did this morning, getting up, prayer, bible reading and even doing some stretching is a good way to awake the body, soul and spirit.
2. I need to take time for me. As much as I love Mark, much of my time is making sure he is OK. Not that is a bad thing. But Caregivers need to take care of themselves too. One of the beautiful things about having Monti is I often take him our for his walk, enjoying the feel of the sun on my face, the breeze in my hair. I enjoy the feel of my body in movement. I enjoy talking to the Creator while walking amoug His creation. But I also need time just for me. Not walking the dog. But walking on my own. Visiting StarBucks with a good book or working on the story I'd been writing for the past few weeks.
3.Diet. There is a danger to overeat or not eat at all when stressed and/or depressed. A good, balance diet with fruits and veggies, fish, chicken, grains and nuts are great foods to raise the mood and spirit, feed the body and mind.
4. I confess to being bad in not drinking my water. But with walking Monti, I now carry water, drinking more.
5. Set time for bed. Whether I go to sleep or not, I now have a set time for bed. This causes my mind to begin to shut off and relax.
6.Hobby. Since Mark home from his last deployment, I have set aside my hobbies to attend to Mark. I have a needlepoint piece that longs for my attention. So I need to set some time in the day to work on it.
7.Don't be so hard on myself. Now that I know what is going on in my body and mind, I don't have to keep beating myself up. But to face this Dark Shadow head on.
And master it.

Secondary PTSD

Shalom:
This afternoon I went with Mark on his counselling session. Which Mark does have PTSD, it a mild form which can be treated.
But what also came out of his session was the fact that I am suffering from secondary PTSD. This means I as the care giver of Mark, am under the same stress as my husband. It was pointed out that often the spouse and children of Vets can have PTSD as well. It is liken to second hand smoke.
For example, I spend a great deal of time removing newspapers, turning off the news from both the TV and Radio, anything that could set Mark off. I know who sets Mark and why and keep him out of their company. I work hard to make everything perfect. But I never know if I have done enough. At times it is like walking on egg shells. And when Mark goes off, I just go off and pray.
Not don't get me wrong, Mark has never hit me, nor kicked the dog. He would hurt himself before he hurt either of us. But there are wounds and hurts brought on from his past and four deployments that are unseen. But wounds never the less.
And because I am the one caring for him, the one who sees the outbursts, the sleepless nights, the worry, I have taken onto myself his pain.
Then again, we are One.
So what we thought was seasonal depression (and I wondered why it didn't go away) is really PTSD. Thankfully I am already on medication.
The good news, just as there is help for Mark, which he is getting, there is help for me as well. Mark has been assured that counselling being setup for me as well. There is also a Support Group for the wives of Veterans I will be enrolled into.
I thank G_D for the VA Program. When a Veteran suffers, so does his/her family. The family must be treated as well as the Vet.
I am so glad to know what is truly going on with me as well as Mark. And to know I am not alone.

What is PTSD

Boker Tov:

Now, before anyone accuses me of cutting and pasting, the following is indeed from various sources that I have taken notes from as I research PTSD. Others are things I already knew.

For you see,  long before I even Mark, I was treated for PTSD.

And in my case, it was far worse.

So what is PTSD?

PTSD or Post-traumatic stress disorder has been around for years, but getting more headlines in recent years to the nearly ten years this naton has been at war.

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a disorder that can develop following a traumatic event that threatens one's safety and/ or makes ones feel helpless. That one could not protect oneself, one's loved ones and/or those one had charge of.

Most people associate PTSD with battle–scarred soldiers–and military combat is the most common cause in men–but any overwhelming life experience can trigger PTSD, especially if the event feels unpredictable and uncontrollable. Examples of this would be a car accident, flood, fire or home breakin.

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can affect those who personally experience the catastrophe, those who witness it, and those who pick up the pieces afterwards, including emergency workers and law enforcement officers. It can even occur in the friends or family members of those who went through the actual trauma. Example: one couldn't stop the child from being hit, one stop couldn''t the person from jumping or one couldn't stop the eviction.

PTSD develops differently from person to person. While the symptoms of PTSD most commonly develop in the hours or days following the traumatic event, it can sometimes take weeks, months, or even years before they appear.
Such events include:

War

Natural disasters
Car or plane crashes
Terrorist attacks
Sudden death of a loved one
Rape
Kidnapping
Assault
Sexual or physical abuse

Childhood neglect

Childhood bullyingThe difference between PTSD and a normal response to trauma

The traumatic events that lead to post-traumatic stress disorder are usually so overwhelming and frightening that they would upset anyone. Following a traumatic event, almost all of us will experiences at least some of the symptoms of PTSD. When one's sense of safety and trust are shattered, it’s normal to feel crazy, disconnected,  numb. It is also common to have nightmares, to  feel fearful, to be numb, to find it impossiable to stop thinking about what happened.

Most people find these symptoms  short-lived. They may last for several days or even weeks, but they gradually lift.

 But with  (PTSD), the symptoms don’t decrease, but they get worse.

A normal response to trauma becomes PTSD when you become stuck in the moment.

After a traumatic experience, the mind and the body are in shock. But as one make sense of what happened and process one's emotions, one works through the emotions and finds once again a place of calm, of normal.

This is not the case with PTSD. 

One remain in psychological shock. One's memory of what happened and feelings about it are disconnected. One still sees, feels, tastes, ears and smells the event. It is as real at that moment as it was when the event first took place. In order to move on, it’s important to face and feel the memories and emotions.

The symptoms  PTSD can come out of the blue or gradually, or come and go over time. Often  they are triggered by something that reminds one of the original traumatic event, such as a noise, an image, certain words, or a smell.

I found this list on list. Whileeveryone experiences PTSD differently, there are three main types of symptoms most have in common:

Re-experiencing the traumatic event
Avoiding reminders of the trauma
Increased anxiety and emotional arousal
Symptoms of PTSD: Re-experiencing the traumatic event
Intrusive, upsetting memories of the event
Flashbacks (acting or feeling like the event is happening again)
Nightmares (either of the event or of other frightening things)
Feelings of intense distress when reminded of the trauma
Intense physical reactions to reminders of the event (e.g. pounding heart, rapid breathing, nausea, muscle tension, sweating)
Symptoms of PTSD: Avoidance and numbing
Avoiding activities, places, thoughts, or feelings that remind you of the trauma
Inability to remember important aspects of the trauma
Loss of interest in activities and life in general
Feeling detached from others and emotionally numb
Sense of a limited future (you don’t expect to live a normal life span, get married, have a career)
Symptoms of PTSD: Increased anxiety and emotional arousal
Difficulty falling or staying asleep
Irritability or outbursts of anger
Difficulty concentrating
Hypervigilance (on constant “red alert”)
Feeling jumpy and easily startled
Other common symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder
Anger and irritability
Guilt, shame, or self-blame
Substance abuse
Feelings of mistrust and betrayal
Depression and hopelessness
Suicidal thoughts and feelings
Feeling alienated and alone
Physical aches and pains

Again, all of us can experience a few, some or all these symptoms because of an dramatic event. It is when the symptoms increase in time that there is a problem that needs to be adressed.

However, there is indeed hope and treatment for PTSD.

I am livning proof of that.

More later.

Silience is The Emeny

Boker Tov;

The reason Mark and I speak out about the PTSD because silence is a killer.
PTSD, like many forms of depression, are still not pnly misunderstood, but not taken seriously.

A "real man can handle anything," is still a catch-word, thrown about like a football.

As the intake worker told Mark and I, "you can't go through four tours and not come out affected." It can't be medicated away, washed away with wine, or prayed away. "Claiming your healing," only adds more guilt that isn't needed.

G-d does heal, but sometimes that healing comes from going through the pregress, not having it taken away.

Besides, prayer isn't a lucky charm.

There is help out there for our warriors, but many fear they will get kicked out of the service over it, that it will affect their careers. It doesn't have to.

Many fear what will happen to their marriages, will their family and friends understand and worse, so much worse will their wife or husband still love them?

With Mark we are able to say there is very little signs of the disorder. But that is because his love for me and our life together was stronger than his pride.

And I realize my beloved needed my love and help, not watching my back side as I walked away when he needed me the most.

It was when the Beast was dealt head on that it because to weaken and finally starting to die.

I learned a lot during this past year as Mark and I struggled through financial lost, health issues and readjustments. There is a time for a couple to band together, close out the world and between and G-d face the storm. We must use wisdom in choosing the people that are to be in our lives; don't over look the red-flags and listen to each other about doubts. This would include with whom and where we worship.

That silence is a killer.

Many who couldn't hande the pain any longer have taken their own lives.

I don't want to read another soldier feeling that helpless.

And that is why we are speaking out.