Sometimes I Feel...

Several hours ago, I arrived home with Challah for Shabbath, lemon and lime aide, Galoraide, change in blood pressure medication and pain medication.
It seems that my blood pressure is between is climbing. In the doctor's office alone I went from 140/80 to 130/90. That ninty isn't good.
My doctor believes it is a combination on of the stress and the food poisioning from eating unknowingly eating Pork. The Pork alone would have raised my BP.
So she changed my blood pressure medication and gave me a pain medication for the headaches if they should return. And if I fell worse, go to the ER. So, this weekend I am on to rest, filling the new medication a chance to work.
Just when I think I am pulling it together, that I now have a handle, it falls apart.
I feel like I am falling apart. They say that which doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.
Really?
Right now I don't feel stronge. Dispite the fact that I know G-d and my belovd loves me, I feel alone in the world.
"don't go by your feelings..."
And what am I suppose to go by?
Right now, I am hanging on by the love my beloved and I share.
But I need him home!
I hang onto the thread that is my faith.
Soon it shall be Shabbat. A Shabbat I had hoped to share with Mark. In our home.
So I shall pour the wine and enjoy the challah with the chicken soup.
After a few hours, take the medication and grab a good book to read.
Before I go and cry yself to sleep.