As Evening Comes

As evening draws near it is the end of the Days of Awe.  I am sitting back, reflecting upon my life before the Kol Nidre service.
I have many blessings, many treasures.
And many of them are the friends I have here on blog.spot.
Whether you leave a comment or not, we consider you a friend. A few we have even met. Some of us we exchange e-mail, snail mail. All have been supportive and compassate and even from time a teacher. Some it was no suprise we found each other. Others, I am truly amazed you love me and call me friend.
But that is the gift of friendship. Acceptance. Respect. Freedom to be without worry of changing.
Each of you are a jewel G-d has placed into Mark and my's lives and we humbled by the honour and do not take it lightly.

So from the Reel House to each of yours, Shalom and May you be written in the Book of Life and Sealed for a sweet, happy and joyious New Year.

What is a Good Parent?

Shalom:
So what is a good parent?
Ah Laini...you don't ask easy questions, do you?
No, I don't. Iike to make people think.
And that oftens gets me into trouble.
When I think of a good parnet, I think of (of course) my own mother.
True, she made her mistakes and wasn't perfect, but there was a truth she modeled for me that lasts until this day.
I remember my grandmother, Grondmother Calli, a gaint of a woman. Again not perfect, but g-dly and precious to me.
 I also had a wonderful mentor, and for the life of me and to my shame, I do not remember her name. But she would be the first to say: "remembering my name isn't as important as remembering the lesson."
From each of these women I learned many times, but the one thing they all said and well as modeled:
"A good parent doesn't damand respect; they earn it."
So what does that mean?
I remember growing up, hearing over and over again, "Honour Thy Mother and Thy Father."
And what does that mean? At the time, it meant I did whatever I was told, didn't sass back, obeyed their rules.
True.
As a baby, I needed those barriers that kept me safe. The crib, playpen, safely gate and fence. The lock doors and the Pram.
When I got older the crib gave way to a big girl bed, a bed I had to learn how to make up in the morning. Once mummie taught me to brush my teeth, I had to brush them on my own. For a while I had to be reminded to brush my teeth, make my bed, take a bath, put on clean clothes, until I started doing it because I like the way a clean mouth and body felt. I had to be taught and told how to clean my room until I started doing it on my own.
Funny thing, when I became a teenager, mummie allowed me to decorate my bedroom the way I wished. No rules. Why? Because I already knew what my mother would and would not permit in her house. And knowing the rules, I was free to decorate however I wished. She trusted me.
Then, mummie started knocking on my bedroom door. Yes, the room was in her house, but my bedroom was MY SPACE and she honoured it.
When grandmother made my lunch for me, she gave me a choice between peanutter and jelly or just jelly. Knowing I hated peanut and jelly, I would always pick jelly. But I got to chose.
When I became a woman and was on my own, mother told me: "You are now a woman and I trust all that I put into you. Remember, if you wish me to treat you like an adult, act like one."
I never forgot those words.
Later, when I became a mummie, I often quoted "honour thy mother and father," until a pastor's wife pulled me aside.
She said we as parnets cannot demand obediance or respect. Yes, our children are to obey us. But we should treat our children with respect also. We must live in such a way that makes our children want to obey us. Praise them for jobs well done, respect their space, respect them. She said, never use the Scriptures as a club (the bible says you have to honour me!!!!) You want your son to honour you; honour him."
It has been 32 years since I heard those words. And they still ring true.
Not always easy, but in the end, worth.
Aries, if you are reading this, I love you.

Preparing For Yom Kipper; What is Repentance?

Shalom:
In a few days, it shall be Yom Kipper, The Day of Atonements.
I say Atonement because there were really more than one Atonement made.
First, the High Priest went into the Holy of Holiess. He was permitted to enter that chamber only once a year, Yom Kipper. He would offer two bulls. One for his sins and then one for his family. There were also two goats involved, one was send off and would die in the wilderness. The other would be the offering for Israel.
It was and still is a solemn time, for it is a time for reffection, repentance and for reconcilliation between G-d and man and man and man.
While we repent of our sins, there must also be an action, a turning around and resolving not to walk in that path again. But in our sin, we wrong and/or wrong someone, so we must make that right as well.
In our faith, it is wrong to gossip about another. During the month of Elud (last month of the Jewish year) as I repent of this sin, knowing I was wrong and ask G-d to forgive me. I know He does.
But He then calls to my mind, who I have gossiped about. I now need to go and ask that person to forgive me.
Not easy? Well, it gets better.
"G-d, I realize I have been a talebear and I know I was wrong. I ask you to forgive me."
G-d: "Are you, daugher?"
Me: "Yes Father."
G-d; "You have gossiped about Jane...and some very ugly things you know."
Me: "I know...."
G-d: "You need to ask Jane's forgiveness and get things right with her."
Me: "Yes Father."
So I go to Jane and confess what I have done. Jane knows all I have said and more. Seems my little tales have reached her ears.
Jane, is gracious to forgive me. But Jane has been hurt. So I offer to take Jane to Starbucks and we begin to rebuild our relationship.
But it doesn't stop there.
The next step is I need to go to Terry, who I have gossiped to about Jane.
Me: "Terry, I must confess I sinned against Jane by telling ugly stories about her to you. Whether they were true or not, I was wrong amd I also sinned against you by making you think badly about Jane."
Terry: "Laini, your right. We were both wrong. And I should have stopped you. I need to go to Jane and ask her forgiveness as well."
Terry goes to Jane and ask her forgivness. But then Terry must go to her sister Jerry and her bestfriend Susans make the same confession...
While the results aren't always the same, that is what it truly means to repent.
You don't just say it: you do it.

Back Surgery and The Hat Lady

Shalom:
Ah...it is good to be back! I think if I could have gotten to the blog sooner, it would have relieved some of the stress we both have been going through.
To Liz; Mark's dad hasn't had the surgery yet. And we don't know what kind. Mark's folks haven't told us much about it and if and when they are ready to tell us, we are here.
It has been an interesting summer to say the least.
As most know, Mark was up for Major when he came back home and his name did make the list the last week of June.
What we didn't know until one day Mark was looking at his paystud a few weeks later is that his pay had begun to reflect his new rank. So he went back over the paperwork. I had been teasing Mark before he came home, don't be surprise if your Maj R when you come home from Afghanistan. Well, that is actually what happen. Mark was actully MAJ R the third of June, one day before he returned to the States.
So, last month, at Fort Eustis, Cpt Mark picked up  and was pinned the rank of Major. His CO said Mark waited patiently for his rank, a good mark of a fine leader.
Very true.
And I was honoured to pin his gold leaf upon his berat.
It was truly a proud moment. As well 105 outside.
When he recieved his award, Mark handed it to me, saying: "I share this day and this award with my beloved wife, Elayne. It is her love and strenght, her belief in me that made this day posiabble. I am the man, the soldier I am today because of her and I could not do my job without her love and support."
Try as I might not to cry in front of his unit, I did.

I als

I also decided to buy a hat for the occaion. Not being a hat person (other than Mark's caps) it was indeed a adventure. But I did find this beautiful white hat and a black lace dress to go with it. I wanted to look nice for Mark's big day.

And like the good husband Mark is, he decided to model it for me. Would you believe I lost a Facebook friend over this picture???? Someone who thought that Marks wearing his wife's hat was ung-dly, that because he was wearing a woman hat, it meant he was less than a man. I would look to see someone stand up to my 6'4 husband, who has pulled four deployments and tell him he is NOT manly.
I guess it is rather easy to sit back and judge others according to your values and standards, insteads of accepting people for who they are. Even if it is a bit of humour. Besides, I should be the one that's upset: he looks better in my hat than I do!
The following week, Mark came home and told me that one of the women he works with said, "Tell your wife she wore that hat!"
(That means she looked good)
And she wanted to see my hat collection.
Mark informed her that this was my first hat and I really didn't have one.
His co-worker told Mark I needed to start; I look good in hats.
I now have two.
I am thinking of buying one for a upcoming wedding.....

A New Year

Shalom everyone:
Yes, I know that it has bee awhile since I have written. Our lives have been so busy.
But finally, I have created the time and space`to sit down and write.
How I have missed my blog and my blogger friends.
First, Mark and I are fine. It wasn't the summer we planned for, but we shan't complain for it is what the Holy One chose.
We do hope to make it to Montana at some point. But it looks like at least another month. We also had planned to renew our vows, but again, there is this thing called life....
Mark has completed the Wounded Warrior Program. Mark came home with heel spurs, so sever that he had to go into treatment for them. Also he had to report in for his cancer examines, making sure he was still cancer free.
He had to report into Fort Eustis here in Virginia and because he is a senior officer, he was able to come home in the evening. However, since he was "still deployed." Mark wasn't really home (on leave) and therefore we could not plan any trips, such as to Montana.
This week is Mark begins leaves and we are so looking forward to it. It has been a long time coming.
Our friend David is still with us. As of this writing, David is turning a corner. The doctor removed the dressing off his foot and he now covers his big toe with a band-aid. His blood sugar excellent, we are still getting the blood pressure under control. This week, thanks to a lovely gift someone send, we will be able to buy David new shoes and a cane. It has been a long, slow recovery, but thanks be to G-d, he is making it.
We learned the night before Rosh HaShanna began that Mark's father was going in for a Heart Catheritization. While a heart cath is common place these days, there was some confusion as to why he was having this procedure and how serious the situation was. So at the last minute, we canceled the bight celebration we planned and kept things small and quiet.
The heart cath turn out to only the precursor to a back operation that Mark's dad need and the doctor wanted to make sure Mr. Reel's heart was healthy enough to handle the surgery. A wise precaution to be sure.
But we had a wonderful Rosh Service in our home. There is two Jewish Cable stations I found several months ago and on Shalom TV, one rabbi taped and aired the Rosh HaShanna services for those who cannot attend. While most Synagogues still hold to not recording their services ( it has to do with work and using electricity) this rabbi felt that  it is important to include those shut-in for various reasons to feel a part of the community.
Would that other rabbis would feel the same way.
It was David's first Rosh HaShanna and he enjoyed it.
Lots of questions.
So now we begin a new year. One of hope and joy, filled wonder and awe.
What does the future for our world, our nation, the Reel Tribe?
G-d only knows.
I can't wait to see what He is going to do.

I Could Use a Drink...or Five....

Shalom:
Well it has been almost two weeks that David has lived with us.
And we're still alive.
It is lots of work, but it does keep me busy.
The main thing is getting David into the system so that he can get the care he needs.
Red tape, paperwork and more red tape.
If you follow Mark and I on facebook, then you know I ahve no love for our present health care system. If we who have insurance complain about the services we recieve (Mark and I for the most part recieve excellant care) then what the uninsured recieve is really nothing more than "just be happy we're giving you an pain pill and a bedpan.."
You would also know my feelings: under Mr.Obama's plan, there will be ten times the paper work, ten times the red tape and far worse service.
And we are already seeing it.
We are jumping through hoop after hoop to get some sort of health care for a man who has paid into the system. Something many amercians can related to.
I remember the hoops we had to jump through with my mother. But nothing like this.
So as we gather the laundry list of documnets needed for Dave to be seen at the clinic, we continue to care for him in our home, his only job: get well.
Mark's treatment for his feet is coming along, though he hates the treatment socks he has to wear at night. His poor feet took a major beating in Afghanistan, so he is now under medical orders for his feet and his ears.
And as much I hate the fact that we are still "deployed" (under medical orders) at least, because Mark is a Sr. Officer so, he gets to come home in the evening.
I am thankful for that small blessing.
So the summer didn't quite pan out the way I had hoped or planned. But G-d knew what He was doing. One day, I shall look back and know the reasons.
The one that I know and that is right now the most important....
A friend in need.
I should still use that drink.....

My Friend Dave

Shalom:
Twenty years ago, The Holy One brought a very special man into my life. His name was David. We sang in the same choir. One evening, he walked, said he heard I was looking for a job and made a few suggestions of places I could go and place my resume. After he leave, I asked: "Who was that?"
A few months later I needed a ride home and he offered me one. David quickly became the big brother I never had and soon we were even known as the twins, for we were always seem together. For my mother, David was a son.
A loyal and faithful friend and man of G-d, David was someone who could always be counted on
But for the first time, several months ago we lost contact.
Right after Mark's last deployment, I had been sick with the flu and then went to visit family out West. Getting busy with my own life, I knew David was off helping someone in need.
I learned about three weeks ago from another friend via private message, that David was in hosptial and things weren't looking good. Because a medical test I was suppose to have had to be set for another day, Mark and I went to the hosptial. His family had been found (no one had family contact number and the family who the hosptial tried to reach was out of the country) and on there way to Virginia.
Mark held me as I cried.
Dave was not just my brother. Dave was my oldest friend. We were, we are so close.
I just had to be there. Mark knew that and told me whenever I was ready to go, he would take me.
On the way there, I kept praying, "L-rd, not yet."
David was still in a coma when we arrived. But at least he was breathing on his own. I had to fight back my tears. It just couldn't end this way.
Yes, I knew G-d could well be calling Dave home.
But I admitt it, I was selfish. I wasn't ready to say "see you in paradise" yet.
 I placed my hand on his shoulder and he jumped. Dave knew I was there.  
The next day, David was awake, breathing on his own, sitting up and talking. G-d gave him more time.
He was still confused, but he knew who I and Mark were.
What brought Dave to the hosptial was a infection to his big toes. He lost part of his right big toe and the doctor is fighting to save the left one. The infestion spread and six days later, Dave Coded. And this is when I fought out about his being sick.
After talking it over, Mark and I offered David our shul (little synagogue) for him to recover. For he is still very ill and must not be alone.
So a week ago this evening, Mark and I brought David home.
We are honoured to have David: he blesses us with his presence.
I am thankful for friends who help with the gifts of a bed, a wheel chair and rides to and from the doctors. 
This evening someone even brought a meal for David.
"When you have done it to the least of these My brothers, You have done it unto Me."
David is a joy, not a burden. He has blessed and been there for others, it is time for others to be there for him.
For Mark and I, we know that it is Messiah that is sitting at our dinning room table, that it is Messiah's feet we are washing, it is Messiah Who is watching the Food Channel with us in the evening.
It is we are truly blessed.

A Crazy Life. A Beautiful Life.

Shalom:
I hope everyone's summer has been a good one so far.
As of today, Mark is still going through testing and exmaines @ the base, while catching up on needed studies. Mark is fine; the Army just wants to make sure he is.
One of the problems is his ears. After the sever ear infection he had when on leave, Mark is getting one of ear tubes replaced.
So he gets to come home each night and head back to Base in the morning.
But the weekends are ours.
Since Mark is still on orders, no traveling.
So we adjusting to our new life.
I was suppose to have an Colonscopy a few weeks ago. But the solution I was suppose to drink to clean out my system made me not only very sick, but serve cramping, vomiting and other stuff I rather not mention. The doctor canceled the Colonscopy because she was afraid she would do more harm. So we have a new date and the doctor is ordering a new solution for me to drink.
Go Lightly. But from what I hear there is nothing lightly about.
The same day I learned that a friend was in hosptial.
Dying.
We hurried and found my friend David on a breathing machine, cling to life.
When I touched his shoulder, David jumped. We all knew David knew I was there.
The next day, when we came to visit, David was sitting up, his colour was slowly returning and he was talking.
David was coming back to us.
Knowing he would need more care once released, Mark and I offered the extra bedroom in our home.
He has been here a week.
David isn't a burden: just another adjustment.
It's a Crazy Life we live. But a Beautiful.
Now, if I can only get some sleep.

Pick Up Rank

Shalom:
Yesterday morning was a celebration.
"Honey! I saw the list. My name is on it!"
As of yesterday morning, Mark is now a Major!
I had joked with him, by the time he got home, he would pick up his rank.
And he did. Mark has worked hard for this.
Has a nice, solid sound to it, don't you think :)
Needless to say I am very proud of my man.
So when I plan his welcome party (date unknown) I shall have to get a cake that says, Major.
O I like the sound of that :)

To Be a Soldier's Wife

A deployment is something you can only understand if you've been through it, and we who have loved ones in warzones need all the support we can get. Not your judgement.




As we come to the tail end of this our fourth deployment, I cannot help but reflect on these past months.
In May 2009, Mark went off for training, to prepare for an upcoming mission.
In June, he left to join his new unit.
July, there was a halt: You had cancer? We need to make sure your cancer free. This is of course AFTER Mark's THIRD deployment AFTER cancer treatment was finished.
Test done, Mark is send to rejoin his unit.
Northeastern blows into Virginia. Power is out for five days and I stay with Mark's parents.
December. I contract the swine flu. Lousy Hannukkah except for the cards got off to Mark and the cards he got to me.
Feburany 2010. Mark comes home on R&R. He has a bad cold that is really a virus and leaves it with me, giving ne another bout with the Swine Flu.
I am not suppose to be getting the Swine flu: I'm Jewish!
Lungs were damaged, but slowly began to heal.
During this time, I did a lot of sleeping (to recover) reading (to stretch my brain and to learn new things) and even had a Starbucks buddy I met once a week.
To be a soldier's wife (or married to any of the branches of our armied forces) means to stand beside your soldier as they defend the nation.
It means Carepackages and letters and waiting up until 12 am for the phone to ring.
It means those special days are spend alone. And if you don't have children, like Mark and I, the lonliness wraps you like a shroul.
It means finding your voice, creating your space and keeping the home fires going for your loved one. It is knowing it is ok to cry yourself to sleep as well as to go out and have a good time with a buddy.
It is knowing that folks Support Our Troops and friends Support Their Spouses. It is knowing not everyone thinks your man is a hero, that your stupid to marry into the military and enjoys teasing you with the thought that your man is being unfaithful. Or worse; "well you married a soldier, you should have known what to expect."


It is recieveing an e-mail thanking YOU for your service to our nation. It is a child saying, "I am praying for your husband."
It is Mark telling me about the letters he recieved from Betty and the Carepackages from Isreal. About the little Iraqi girl who played with his glasses and having out footballs. It is the tribal leader shaking Mark's hand and thanking him for all he is doing for his people.
It means you are part of something bigger than yourself and dispite what the nay-sayers claim, knowing your man is working to help improve the lives of others as well as stopping the forces outside our gates that threaten us.
Frankly, I never thought growing up I would marry a military man, but G-d did. And i am so glad He had enough faith in me to chose this path for me to walk. So it is not easy; but it is worth it.
I love the man.
And as hard as this is, I have never regretted a day I said yes, I will marry you, to my soldier.
 To be a soldier's wife is a high calling. An honour. To be Mark's wife: heaven on earth.

A Marriage of Gold

Shalom:
Today I feel as if I have come full circle.

I have gone through the highs and the lows, the anger, rage, tears, yelling at the Army, Mark and G-d. Even myself for being so unreasonable.
I can look back and see where I came out like gold and other places, feet like clay. There were moments one would have been hard press to believe I was a child of G-d and not of the devil.
And yet I have come full circle.
Like a wedding band.
A wedding band goes through a lot to be formed. The gold is firs melted and refine, fired hot to removed that which in impure.
It is then form in a ring, and that ring is not only beaten into shape, and fired. Cooled off. And again fired until the band is form. And the maker can see his/her face reflected back.
G-d does that with each of us, to form us into something beautiful. And for the married couple, the making of the wedding band is what each couple goes through. to become one.
Painful, yes.
But look at the results.
Just like every wedding band cannot stand the pressure of the heat, so not every marriage. But those that do...ah...shine forth like gold.
The G-dly marriage is to reflect the imagine of G-d.
This has been Mark and mine praye since we were engaged.
Through the fire, I feel closer to my beloved.
And my G-d.

To Be Loved

Shalom: As most who follow this blog knows, my Mark is the kind of guy who remembers thoses special days; like today. Today, nine years ago, on a Sunday morning we met. Today, six years ago Mark told me for the first time I was in his heart.

And yesterday, without fail, Mark send roses on my birthday.

It's true I would have recieved roses anyway. But for me, when he is far away, my husband still remembers those special moments and makes the effort to reach out with his love.

With so many marriages under various strains these days, I do not take the love my husband and I share, the love that he showers on me for granted.

Mark has often said when he looks at me, he is aware of how much G-d loves him. For he feels G-d in me. And I feel the same way. Our love draws us not only closer to each other, but to G-d Himself.

After all, Romance was really His idea; it we humans that have muck it up :)

I know, your wondering what I mean by that..... ;)

It's My Birthday!

Shalom;
Yeserday was my birthday.
As hard as it is with Mark still not home, I still have a wonderful day.
Wonderful messages from friends and family, calls from my mother, mum and dad Reel and of course from Mark.
Yesterday, I also recieved an answer to prayer.
In the wee hours of yesterday morning, G-d was dealing with my mother.
So after she sang Happy Birthday to me, she told me about my father.
My father, Louis Shackeford, was a very handsome New York cabdriver. They were from two different worlds and this was the 1950s.
My mother's first husband, Henry didn't die (as I had been told by others) but the marriage just didn't work out..
This explains so much, in my life: why my mother was so angry for so many years and how she finally came to peacce.
I understand more about my firey personality; you can't be a New York cabdriver and be a wimp, not can you?. Mummy says i have the same shade of brown eyes.
I still hope one day (if he is still alive) to meet my father. But knowing more about him, helps me know more about myself.
It is hard having my beloved away. Each day that passes means he shall be hope soon. I just need to hold on.
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=186399&id=774981951&l=1487ce3d37
These pictures are from my surprise birthday three years ago. I made this album yesterday, relieving the joy and foun of that evening.

Could This Be The Week?

Shalom:
First; thanks for the prayers concerning my blood pressure. I am feeling better. I do have a slight headache this morning, but I think that's from the weather. I am going to get an icepack.
The Drama Queen. I am happy to report that this matter has been resoluted. There have been some misunderstanding the past few months and things came to a halt yesterday. It is one of the things about this computer age; without a face to see or a voice to hear, it is so easy to misread another's statement. I did this. We have both asked and given forgivness, after talking things out, the relationship has been restored.
And frankly, I am happy; for I have so missed  having this person in my life.

Today, I start on the study which frankly looks like a junk room. Once Mark comes home, the trunks go back into storeage. I also need to start cleaning out closets. These days your taking your life into your own hands when you one of the closets.
That means a call to Good Will.
So off for coffee and getting to work.
And who knows, this just might be the right I hear: "Honey, I'm my way home.....

Drama Queen and Father's Day

Shalom:

Today is Father's Day. A day we celebrated the men in our lives we call Father, dad, papa and even grandfathers. As many of you know, I grew up without a father. My birth dad left my mother and I before I was born, My step-dad, a hurting person, took his pain out on me. But G-d was and is faithful, was and is a Father to the fatherless. He brought several men into my life, men I have the honour to call, dad or papa.

Earlier in the month, on facebook, I wrote a thank you to the man who was my dad. A family memeber called me a "drama queen" because of this. And that Betty and Marty, is how I earned that title.

A title I reject. This was their way of striking out bcause Mark forbids their calling our home and they are blocked on our facebook. We have since taken bigger steps.

So to my fathers:

To Louis Shackeford: I never knew you, but I thank you for my life. There would be no Laini if it wasn't for you.

To Hunter Bernard: we share a loe of C.S Lewis and music. Now in heaven I miss you. My beloved has your amazing blue eyes.

Papa Fred Teague: What can I say? You and Jan have loved me, prayed and supported me, even had a "few questions" for Mark when we were engaged. You who prayed for a husband for me and walked me to the Huppah

To Colonial and Mrs Baldwin: You who are g-d parnets to my Mark, caring for him while he attended WestPoint, helping to shape the man I call my husband.
And of course Dad Reel. How I bless you this day. You who raised such an amazing man.
Most important; The my Heavenly Father; thank you for my life, for loving me, for creating me, for declaring I have a place and a purpose on this earth.

And lastly, to my friend Beth, who lost her father a few months ago. To Beth and all others who's dad is no longer with us: I pray that The Holy One will comfort your heart this day and bring some measure of joy in your memories.

Psalms

Shalom:
Today is the first day I have been headache free.
I took the medication (pain) before bed and slept well. No waking up in the middle of the night.
I need to remember to take it before bed this evening.
Still some stomach-bowl stuff, but that too is getting better.
I spoke to Mark this evening. I was telling him how I felt like I'm been whining far too much on the blog. He said (and I'm sure it is true) there are those who are facing their own battles and it is nice to know that there is someone who understands and can relate, even find comfort and encouragement.
Mark knows how to say just the right things.
It was then that I was reminded of the five Psalms books. That many of the Psalms were written during great trials; David running away from king Saul and later his own son. Of pain and lost and betrayal. Of struggles with faith in man and even G-d. Do You see me? Do You hear me? Do you care?
And always coming on the other side Praising G-d.
I realized that if I had no faith, I wouldn't even cry out to Him? Who prays to a G-d they don't believe in?
The Holy One actually invites us to pour our sorrow upon Him. Unlike imperfect men and women who are too  busy with thier own lives or disinterested in yours. Who has not only an listerning ear 24-7, but the whine and the tears don't Him a bit. In fact, the tears are collected in a bottle.
He Who is the Lover of my soul, gives me songs in the night and quiets me with His love.

Sometimes I Feel...

Several hours ago, I arrived home with Challah for Shabbath, lemon and lime aide, Galoraide, change in blood pressure medication and pain medication.
It seems that my blood pressure is between is climbing. In the doctor's office alone I went from 140/80 to 130/90. That ninty isn't good.
My doctor believes it is a combination on of the stress and the food poisioning from eating unknowingly eating Pork. The Pork alone would have raised my BP.
So she changed my blood pressure medication and gave me a pain medication for the headaches if they should return. And if I fell worse, go to the ER. So, this weekend I am on to rest, filling the new medication a chance to work.
Just when I think I am pulling it together, that I now have a handle, it falls apart.
I feel like I am falling apart. They say that which doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.
Really?
Right now I don't feel stronge. Dispite the fact that I know G-d and my belovd loves me, I feel alone in the world.
"don't go by your feelings..."
And what am I suppose to go by?
Right now, I am hanging on by the love my beloved and I share.
But I need him home!
I hang onto the thread that is my faith.
Soon it shall be Shabbat. A Shabbat I had hoped to share with Mark. In our home.
So I shall pour the wine and enjoy the challah with the chicken soup.
After a few hours, take the medication and grab a good book to read.
Before I go and cry yself to sleep.

One Week Ago

Shalom:
It was one week ago today that my happy world took a nose's dive. Today is has begun that slow climb back up where it belongs.

Earlier this monring I awoke with a headache. Like clock work, I have been waking up @ 3:30 am with a huge headache, so I am seeing the doctor this afternoon. True it could be stress, but when this headache hits, over the counter medications isn't doing the job. Which is why I have to see the doctor. While out I can pickup my Challah for Shabbat.
Not sure what to do, so early in the morning, I decided to look at some pictures;

Today,  five years ago, on an early Sunday morning, already getting hot, Dwayne, who took our wedding pictures, took  us up to Rose Hall, a lovely park in Virginia Beach. It was here we had our engagement pictures taken. I remember that morning well. We had so much fun with Dwayne, knowing we picked the right man for the job. It was his idea for us to wear jeans and Mark the striped shirt. I had a pink shirt that matched, so it worked out well.

I remember noticing Mark's colour was returning from the chemo, that both his hair and his beard were fuller. And he was so playful! We had been so careful in our affection towards each other. Having both been in relationships before and now both truly believers, we didn't wish to do anything that would flame the passions.  I even wore a purity ring. Now I know that it sounds that in  odd that in this day and age, two adults would not....but we chose to keep our courtship honourable. To honour G-d, ourselves and each other. We were also quite aware that there were young people watching us. And while it was hard (lots of cold showers) love can indeed wait.

After the photo session, we went to visit our former church, later having lunch with friends. I remember thinking the next time I would see these folks will be at my wedding...

So as I write this, I am quite happy, remembering one of the happiest times of my life. Yes, he is still gone. But as Mark and I say; "he's out of my arms, but he's in my heart."

So I am planning my day. Cleaning and dusting the bedroom, seeing my doctor afternoon, preparing for Shabbat. And later, pull out the Scrape book I did for our engagement.

Catch ya later....

It's Worth It

Shalom:
So I dragged the three trunks into the study. They weren't that heavy.
Dinningroom regain.
Then after my shower and braiding my hair I head to the store.
 Man alive it is hot out there!
But I didn't get sick. However, I did catch a cab home.
And the driver was awesome. Not only did he load my bags for me, open the door for me, but carried the bags to my front door.
From the islands, so of course, he has courtly manners
After speaking to my mother, I put away the food and went to take a nap.
I'd been wondering if all Mark and I have gone these past several years; his coming home with cancer, chemo and radition, back to back deployments, delays one after another. Is waiting for retirement really worth all of this.
And then there are the people who make our lives so difficult inside and outside the service because we are army.
 Those americans who view my husband as a killer, a rapist, helping to steal another country land or worsr, trying to bring to its people freedoms we enjoy here, but take for granted.  Why not just quit and return to full-time teaching....

And then Mark sends me this picture. This is Mark gurading a set of Colours that were flown over ground zero in New York City. I looked at his face. The expression says it all.
It is worth it. As an officer in the Untied States Mark has vowed to guard those colours. And I stand behind the man.
Full circle. We were attacked on 9-11-2001. President Bush did not start this war; 19 men on a plane did. And what the world did not expect was we would hit back.
It has been said Amercians have no stomach-no guts when it comes to war. That when we start seeing the body bags flown home, we will go running to the White House and demand an end.
Some have done this.
My take; get the job done; make friends with the people; kick the emnies a@@ and bring them home when the job's done.
I want my man home; I need my man home.
But I remain a proud Cpt's wife.
Yes, it's worth it.

Taking Back My Dinning Room

If you have to keep telling people your the president, your in charge....your not in charge....

Shalom: I realize as I headed into the DinningRoom this morning two things:
1. I am out of creamer. Off to the store I go.
2. There are three huge trunks taking over my dinningroom.
Now mind you, I am planning amoung all things (depending on what time his flight is) a romantic, candlelight meal. White table clothe, good china, rose red wine glasses, a vase of flowers, homemade turkish delight....
Those trunks don't quite fit in.
So into the study/prayer room they go. They weren't that heavy to drag.
It has stopped raining for now and means it is nice enough to walk to the store. I need to make myself chicken soup anyway. It's good for what ails me right now.
By taking back my Dinning Room, I am saying "deployment, you don't win! Oh sure, you landed a punches. But I'm getting in a few licks of my own."
I picture the day Mark walks in the door and sees the table waiting for him, his home, his wife welcoming him home.
It shall be a battle to keep my spirits up, but I can do this.