Friday, 25 May 2012

While My Beloved Sleeps

As I sit down, gathering my thoughts to write my latest entry, Montaque hops into my lap, and looks at the screen, reading what I have written so far.
He turns that adorable little face to me and his brown eyes face, "you haven't written much."
I assure Monti I was waiting for him.
All the while I hear from the bedroom the sound snores of my beloved.
He is finally asleep.
Mark has tossed and turned the pass several nights. I wake up, take him in my arms and then, softly brush his hair and whisper prayers for him as he falls back to sleep.
It is the stress of being out of work, the job interviews that come to nothing. One job he was offered was only past time and wouldn't even be half of what Mark receives in unemployment. We really aren't living on unemployment. We rob Peter to pay Paul so we can keep our phone and Internet so Mark can keep looking for work.
We pray. We keep seeking G_D. We keep believing. We hold on.
We yell, scream, cry throw tantrums and still at the end of the day, still walk with G_D.
While my beloved sleeps I continue to pray.

Someone told me today G_D allows you to go through tough times until all you have is Him.
He's all we'd had for several months now.
Sometimes, I told another friend today, the most honest answer is "I don't have the faintest idea what G_D is doing." And "this stinks!" It is honest. It is real. Because we we still live in this world and not the next.
Because true faith doesn't have all the answers, but full of questions.
Job said it best: " Shall we accept good from G_D, and not trouble?" Job 2:10
When the Messiah required a hard thing from His followers, Yeshua HaMessiah turned to Peter and said: "Will you leave too?"
My answer is the same as Peter's: "where would I go, L-rd? For You have the Sayings of Life."
There are times Faith comes down to the simple fact; G_D has been Faithful, is Faithful and will continue to be so." Sounds like a pat answer. It is. And there are times it works.
This is not that time.
I hang in there because there is no other place to go. Where can I go? I use to think such a statement made me sound like I was still in an abused marriage.
But not really. For this weekend, we celebrate Shavuot, the Day we entered into covenant with the Creator of the Universe. The Day Hebrews accepted the Torah and said we would do all it says. But it wasn't just the nation. Each of us took on the burden of Torah....
"I, Tirzah Elanna Bat Levi, take you HaShem as my G_D, for better, for worse....."
For me, rejecting G_D because of what we are going through would be just as bad as leaving my beloved Mark while he sleeps.
Sounds insane.
Sounds like love.
I guess that is the true meaning of faith....
"For those who believe, no proof is necessary. For those who don't believe, no proof is possible.”
Stuart Chase.
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