Saturday, 25 October 2008

The Williness to Let Go

Funny the power of journaling.

As I wrote about my feelings of Mark and I not having a child (yet) once again peace flowed my being.

By getting rid of the bitterness in my being, I feel so much better.

Mark had the same thing happen Friday.

There had been something bathering him and after talking to Rabbi: he just let it all spill out, Mark slept like a baby.

As I once share, all of my life, I have wanted to know my father, a man who has never been a part of my life except for when I look in the mirror or when I dream.
My mum will not speak of him. Theirs was a brief affair and he walked away when learning he was to be a father.
I have nothing but a name-not even a picture. I have heard all of my life I look just like him, my build is the same as his and he was also a dancer. I also have his artistic eye.
Mark and I spoke again of my father this morning; we were watching a old video two men dressed in the old "cool cat" style of the 40's and 50's. I remember that my father dressed like that and he was a dancer. That is all I know. All of my aunts and uncles are dead; while alive they too would never speak of him. I have taken the little I know and have been researching my father's past. So far, no hits.
For years, I have prayed, hoping my mum would one day open up about my dad. I have from time to time ask questions; she doesn't remember. She doesn't wish to speak him. As I have said other entries, my mum doesn't speak of her past or family history.
This afternoon, I read a friend's journal entry.

About eroded locks and unhinged doors. And I got my answer.

The answer I have not wanted to face; I am not to know about my father. G-d has a reason for my not knowing and I have chosen to leave it at that.
G-d used this entry to face this truth and to stop me from picking the locks of my mum's memories for answers I may in the long run really don't need or wish to know. That is between my mum and G-d.
People come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I now understand, they leave the same way.
Just as my son chose to walk away from his family and deed us dead, so my did my father.
And that is OK. That is G-d's busniess, not mine.
Now I know there will be others who disagree with my conclusions. And that is your right to disagree. But please respect the fact that this is the answer G-d has given to me. And I am for the first time in my, at peace with that. I have been blessed with a wonderful, exciting life, filled with good friends, a loving husband and an Awesome G-d. I would have loved share my life with my father, my son and two grandchildren. But it is not to be and I shall not sit about in sack-cloth and ashes, mourning.

And now, I am also at peace with having a child. It will happen in G-d time. And whether G-d places that child in my womb or someone places a wiggling being in my arms, I am ok with that.

It gives me time to prepare our home for its coming.

If you love something, let it go.
If it belongs to you, it shall return.
If it doesn't return, it was never yours in the first place.
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